Two of my girlfriends are having some problems with their teenage girls. One is 13 and one is 14. Typical problems with grades dropping, attitude issues and general malaise with trying to get them to do something other than sit on the computer all day. I hear it a lot from other moms that I run into.
I am very lucky. Katya is a dream teenager (right now). She is doing great in school, she is involved in sports, she does Campfire, she does her chores (even if she grumbles and I have to poke at her to finish them), she has some nice friends, she is polite and nice to others and for the most part is a fabulous kid. She has her moments, trust me, but all in all I can't complain. I was a pill when I was her age and gave my parents all kids of grief so I know what the flip side is.
Because Katya is doing so great, I am often asked for parental advice. My advice always is - be a mean mom.
- Be the mom that lays down the law - and sticks by what you said. Even if it is an inconvenience for you. From day one.
- My mother told me a long time ago that if it isn't cute at 22 it won't be cute at 2. You are raising a future adult.
- Be the mom that is all "up in their business". Know their friends, know their friends parents, feel free to go through their stuff periodically, listen in on their conversations, look over their shoulder when they are on the computer, know where they are and who they are with 24/7.
- Give them just enough rope to hang themselves. Let them know that they can hang themselves and if they do, it won't be pretty. Trust is earned, not bestowed.
- Make getting grounded the most awful thing in the world. For our house it is no electronic devices at all. No computer, no TV, no IPod, no cell phone, no phone at all, no PSP - utter and total boredom to a teenager. Lots of book reading and house cleaning during this time.
- Know their teachers and email them periodically to make sure that your kid is doing good. Make your kid give each teacher a little something for Teacher Appreciation Week and Christmas. A little gift card is just a symbol of thanks and respect for what they do for educating your child. They should know that you respect them and they should too. It doesn't matter if they are in high school or elementary school.
Now, I'm not saying be a tyrant. Just be there for them. Talk to them. Know their world. Be their sounding board for advice. Bring up the tough topics like drugs, smoking, sex, relationships, life choices, college....open dialog. You can't be their friend, but you can be their parent that they choose to go to for the rest of their lives.
My mother was a mean mother. I resented the heck out of her most of the time, but I learned a lot from what she was trying to instill in me. I turned out pretty good. I never did drugs, never got arrested, never took up drinking, I work hard, I love my family, I try and be charitable. She did pretty good with David and I.
Whenever I hear of stories of other mean mothers, I celebrate them! They are teaching responsibility and accountability. I get too tired of these parents and counselors that think that kids need "space" and "freedom to find their own way" and when they are bad "they are acting out to some external issue and need therapy". Bah. There is a whole generation of kids out there that are jerks. They are rude, selfish, self-centered, lazy, materialistic, instant gratification required little pukes that can't take care of themselves. They can't manage their money, they don't care if they destroy other people's property and they can't see two years into the future much less one month.
So if you are a mean mom - right on!! Let me know who you are because you rock!!!
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6 comments:
Two things I would like to mentioned about my experiences as a child and as a teacher's perspective.
When I was a teenager, I remember my mom used to spy on me, whom she didn't trust due to having her own personal problem. That time I just listened to her personal problem, but at that time, I was SO FURIOUS for prying on us. But now I looked back, I understood she was following her guts. By the way, my classmate's life was not bright while I had a rigid yet good mom.
Second thing as a teacher, I have compared so many students: uneducated, educated, strict or spoiled parents of their child. The ones with educated mom and educated son was the problems because the mom spoiled her own child to death. As a teenager, this student became a "monster" because of trying to manipulative in everything what the child wants. When the child gets a suspended, this parents still would allow to do whatever he/she wanted. I predict this future child would end up hitting hard by getting angry faces at him/her.
Overall, I personally AGREED to be a MEAN mom from the start. I do even give my sons a time-out with or without disability! Both behaved well both at home and at school.
MALAISE ??????, you really are trying to up the grade level of your blog. I mean really how many people use that word!
Oh my goodness, Cathy is being hilarious ! It reminds me of a friend who uses "famished" instead " starving."I just cracked it up when she used this word, so I understand why you had cracked mom up by using "malaise." Don't we all experience being "demeanor ?' (winks)
Hear Hear! You are so right!
I have a 5-year old daughter, and would likely be considered a mean mom. Before I became a parent, I was worried about what kind of mom I would be, because my own mom was mean, and frequently what I would consider "overly mean" when it came to chasing me around the house with a stick to hit me with, when all I did was borrow a pair of her nylons for cheerleading. But that's another story. I told myself I would not be the physical disciplinarian to my own child, so all "swats" come from my husband. In all other ways I follow the rules you describe, and plan to continue to do so.
I'm reminded of the Oompa Loopa song from (the original movie) "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory":
What do you get when your kid is a brat, pampered and spoiled as a siamese cat? Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame. You know exactly who's to blame: the mother and the father.
I love this article, I thought you would too...
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/01/09/mean.mom.ap/index.html
I so needed to hear this right now! Sooooo needed it! Thank you!!
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