This whole staying at home thing is much harder than I ever realized. I knew it was tough for the three months that I stayed home with a colicy Katya. That is why I went back to work and never looked back. I always wished that I could work part time though to spend more time with her and be the one that saw all the "firsts" in life instead of getting a report from her daycare. But I always valued and appreciated the time that I got to be selfish and focus on my job. I was really into my work, my workplace and the people that I associated with at work. I got a great deal of personal pride and satisfaction from working. When I was involved in a new project it was exciting and challenging and I loved it! It seemed like the more challenging the project, the more satisfaction I got out of finishing it. It didn't matter how many huge documents I had to read or how many documents that I had to write - my brain was working.
When you work outside of the home you have a lot of time for yourself. My commute to work (although stressful) was a time for waking up, driving through Starbucks if I wanted, listening to a book on tape or some music. When at work I was being challenged, my brain was always working and I was able to interact with a lot of fabulous people. I was able to go out to lunch, hit a bookstore, go to the local tea shop or the mall for my lunch hour or a much needed break.
Staying at home you get none of that. When you are sick, you don't get any sick days. You can't drop the kids off at daycare and go home and sleep all day. You have to power through it. It is amazingly stressful sometimes when you realize that you have little to no alone time. Taking a shower or having time to write an email or a blog is my bit of personal time. Getting my hair done is such a treat. It feels like I have gone to a spa for a while and I love the pampering. My sense of accomplishment comes from doing laundry, cooking dinner, cleaning the house or some household project that I try and fit in during naps. Now that the weather is good I am trying to go for a walk every day for exercise, getting the kids out of the house to play and hopefully to lose some weight.
My days are now full of diapers, crying babies, transporting Katya to and from sports events and friends houses, housework and paperwork. It
isn't a bad trade off though. In exchange for all the crying and diaper changing I get smiles, laughs and can be the one to see all of the "firsts". Watching Alexis experience grass and pinecones for the first time yesterday was fun. Taking Logan out in the front pack and watching his eyes get really big when a breeze would hit his cheek was priceless. I also get to go to all of Katya's games and take Katya to her practices (although with two little ones, it is hard). I am also able to give her extra time at home to do her homework, relax, and be filled in on the turbulent times of a middle schooler. The time that I get to spend with Katya is getting shorter. Soon she will be off to college and forging her way through life.When Logan starts Kindergarten I will go back to work again. Not full time, but definately part time. In the mean time, I am learning to love and appreciate the time that I am being given with my kids. It is tough financially and sometimes mentally - but it is a wonderful opportunity that I sometimes forget is a gift. I get to be the one to teach the alphabet to my kids, plant flowers to watch them grow, have time to read them books on the couch and cheer them on at their various sports or dance functions. I get to make cookies with all of them, be the one that saves the day by bringing something to the school they forgot (guess who this is referring to) and being home when they get off the bus. I will never again be able to be the corporate person that I was before and make the kind of money that I did. For that, part of me is very sad. But, I will get to think of another job that might be more fun that I can do when the kids are at school. We'll have to see what I come up with.
1 comment:
We have the same life. I think you commented on my blog post about this same subject, and let me tell you- I will be back at work once Jack is in kindergarten, too! And yes, it is depressing that I will most likely be working in the Nordstrom shoe department or PB Kids, instead of enjoying the corporate career and money I once had. But the sacrifice is worth it. And I feel your pain in having to take the older ones to soccer and volleyball (same day) and packing up 3 little ones- all in car seats- those are the days when I need a diet coke just to cope with my life. Thanks for sharing, venting, and I am so glad we are going through it together!
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